What I lost while trying to love the WRONG things

Nobody really talks about what you lose while you're trying to make something work. They talk about a breakup. They talk about the lesson. They talk about "everything happens for a reason" But does it really though?

They don't talk about the quiet losses that happen along the way.

You don't just lose time, you lose parts of yourself. I know i did anyways.

Loving the wrong things didn't break me all at once. It happened slowly, so slowly that i didn't even realize it was happening until i barely recognized who i was becoming.

I lost my peace first. That constant knot in my stomach, the waiting, the wondering, the emotional whiplash of not knowing where i stood. I told myself it was normal, it was just nerves. I told myself love takes effort. But deep down, i was always bracing for the next disappointment. I then, couldn't see it as disappointment. I saw it for what it wasn't. Ya know, rose colored glasses.

I lost my voice. I stopped saying how i really felt because i didn't want to rock the boat or more so sink it. I learned to stay quiet, how to shrink my needs, how to convince myself that asking for more was asking for too much. After all, don't we all convince ourselves we are "too much" anyways? Let's stop doing that actually.

I lost time. Time i can't get back. Time I spent hoping things would change. Time I spent explaining behavior that didn't deserve explaining. Time I spent pouring into something that kept leaving me empty. You cannot pour into anything when you aren't even full yourself.

I lost pieces of who I was. The parts of me that laughed so freely. The parts that trusted easily. The parts that believed love didn't have to hurt to be real. Somewhere along the way, I started surviving instead of living. Let's be real, a lot of us are always in survival mode.

The hardest part? I stayed longer than i ever should have because I believed loving harder would fix it. I believed if I just tried a little more, gave a little more, endured a little more... it would eventually feel worth it. It didn't.

But love should never feel like survival.

One day it hit me... not at one time because it never does. Quietly... I was trying harder to be chosen that I was trying to be okay. I was more afraid of letting go than I was of losing myself. That realization hurt more than any ending ever could.

Walking away didn't magically heal me. It didn't erase the damage. It didn't make me strong overnight.

But you know what it did give me? CLARITY.

I gained boundaries I didn't know how to have before.

I gained self-awareness that hurt at first but saved me later. Not even saved, but saves.

I gained the understanding that love shouldn't require you to disappear to be kept.

If you're reading this and you're exhausted from trying to make something work alone....

If you're afraid to walk away because you've already invested so much..

If you feel like you've been loving something or someone that keeps costing you pieces of yourself.

You're not weak. YOU'RE HUMAN.

You're allowed to choose yourself even if it's late, even if its messy, even if it hurts.

I didn't fail by loving the wrong things. I learned. Tough lessons are always and i mean always the best lessons.

And now, I'm learning how to love myself without losing myself in the process.

I heard a quote today that stopped me in my tracks. "Sometimes nothing good happens to you because YOU are the good that happens to others. Man does that stick? Because if you've ever felt like you're giving your all, showing up for everybody, holding it together, being the strong one but nothing ever seems to come back your way... This might be why you see you are the blessing. The way you love, the way you protect, the way you pour into people, and stay solid in your character. Even when you're exhausted, that's what keeps others going. Maybe you're not being overlooked, maybe you were built to make an impact and it gets heavy and unfair.. but don't let that make you forget who you are. People like you don't just show up.. you hold entire worlds together without anyone noticing. Your presence is the calm in the storm. Your love is the anchor, and your strength is the reason others don't fall apart. One day someone will see that in you. They won't drain your light. They'll match it and finally pour back into you."

With coffee in my hands and chaos at my feet... I'm still trying my best.

xoxo

Chaos, cats, and coffee